Thursday, December 07, 2006

Since when did the French get so fucking metal?

Seriously, it's like suddenly the French are the most awesome fucking people in the world.

Evidence...Gojira and Lyzanxia.

Seriously, these guys kick ass!

It's like there's some sort of new wave of French heavy metal or something. You would think taht the English, upon learning of something like this, would immediately dedicate more of their national resources to bringing back the rock. Alas, they haven't done anything significant since the NWOBHM.

So now the list of truly metal countries are...

The United States
Sweden
Norway
Finland
France

And on that thought, I have noted how much healthier the American metal scene is compared to the 90s. The 80s were the golden times, the 90s were the dark ages and now it seems the 2000s are like the...the...jeez, I don't know what you could call 'em. All I know is that metal has flourished this decade.

There are many potential reasons for this. Market cycles, for one. Everything is cyclical. One period of serious growth, one period of serious decline, and on and on. The rise of the internet is another reason. Used to it was very hard to discover good bands. Magazines could only dedicate so much space (and those were an investment in of themselves). The internet broke down barriers to metal the world over.

I have one more reason that I think is more likely.

George W. Bush.

Yes, I believe the President deserves full credit for the resurrection of the American metal scene. Why, you say? Cause everyone hates Republicans. When Republicans are in power people get pissed off. And when people get pissed off they rage and metal is the sonic embodiment of that rage. During the 80s it was Reagan in office and everyone hated Reagan. During the 90s Clinton was in office and everything was sunshine, rainbows and puppies. Who can rage at that? (Yeah, there was the '94 Republican Revolution but no one pays attention to Congress.) Now with a Republican in the Presidency driving people batshit crazy the metal is thriving and kicking ass!

For this reason alone is why the Democrats must be stopped in 2008!

Who needs fucking sunshine and rainbows and puppies? Fuck that, get Newt Gingrich up in their. People might hate Gee Dubya but they really hate Newt. Metal will enter a period of such awesomeness then that it will never be topped. Metallica will release their best album ever. Maiden will once again do a full American tour. Sepultura will reunite with Max. Ozzy will fucking go away! Queenryche will stop sucking! Truly the metal gods will smile down upon us and it will all be awesome.

Strike that, I said it would never be topped. It can be. Get the Conservatives elected in Great Britain and we'll see a wave of awesomeness that would only consume the entirety of the human race. No shit. When Thatcher got elected, what did we see? The NWOBHfuckingM. Imagine another NWOBHM. Truly it will lead to the salvation of all.

So remember, if you're tr00 and love metal, vote for your local right-winger.

2 Comments:

Blogger Juan said...

French? Metal? Um, isn't it illegal to use those two words together?

5:54 AM  
Blogger Robert Muñoz said...

Dude, I just got the new Gojira in today and it has to be the heaviest album I've heard all year.

Take everything you know about about Morbid Angel and Southern sludge metal and then soak it in champagne made from grapes of wrath. I think that about sums it up.

4:07 AM  

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